{"id":21790,"date":"2019-01-18T15:55:25","date_gmt":"2019-01-18T20:55:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/philip.greenspun.com\/blog\/?p=21790"},"modified":"2019-01-19T22:32:07","modified_gmt":"2019-01-20T03:32:07","slug":"the-49-year-old-father-and-the-au-pair","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/philip.greenspun.com\/blog\/2019\/01\/18\/the-49-year-old-father-and-the-au-pair\/","title":{"rendered":"The 49-year-old father and the au pair"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

From an au pair host family group…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

40-year-old mother of three: “Just wanted to give an update\/get some advice on my ex-sleeping-with-the-now-former-au-pair saga. She left the US at the end of her travel month around Labor Day. It has come to my attention that the two of them are still in a relationship (he’s 49 and she is 20. Gross<\/em><\/strong>). Exhibit A below (try to ignore the fact it’s like it was written by an eighth grader<\/em><\/strong>), plus witnesses have put her back in our town as recently as 10 days ago.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Insert photo of handwritten (beautifully) letter: “… I love being with you … I never thought this year would turn out like this … I really hope & wish we have an amazing future ahead of us together. … I’m really going to miss your snuggles.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[Inquiring minds want to know: how many American eighth graders can write legibly in a foreign language? And what exactly is “gross”? The 20-year-old woman’s body is “gross”? She looks okay in a linked-to Facebook profile (if you don’t mind the tall slender well-proportioned Northern European blonde look). Or the 49-year-old man’s body is “gross”? (If so, why was the 40-year-old mother sharing a bed with this “gross” body?)]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The other au pair host moms pile in with advice:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

now going after him in the divorce with this as proof I would totally do. Send to your lawyer and start a file<\/p>

Agree about divorce files<\/p>

It’s got to be the saddest midlife crisis ever. Sleezy <\/em><\/strong>guys the world over fall for someone new… but look at how this girl writes. [maybe the non-native speaker would be able to spell “sleazy” correctly, though?] What kind of emotional connection could a middle aged man have with her? Can’t even have a mildly stimulating conversation over a glass of wine. She’s too stupid regardless of her age.<\/p>

He’s a disgusting pig and she’s a horrible person. … I would inform future APs about his gross <\/em><\/strong>and inappropriate behavior.<\/p>

<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

[Nobody questions the inferiority of the 20-year-old’s emotions! But isn’t it more likely that older people are the ones with inferior emotions? Older people are more likely to be thinking about how to get the dishwasher or boiler fixed than about how to phrase a heartfelt poem.]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A (woke) male:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking as many of the ex-hubby’s assets along with being alone<\/em><\/strong> to think about how he ruined a great family situation for a fling is perhaps the start of just punishment.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

[But the 49-year-old is apparently not alone, thus the dust-up.]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The females continue responding…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Take all of his money and don’t lose stamina!<\/p>

… falling for the babysitter? It’s cliche and pathetic.<\/p>

… No question. This is disgusting<\/em><\/strong>.<\/p>

That’s double gross.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>

What a disgusting pig<\/em><\/strong> he is and what a poor excuse for a woman she is.<\/p>

<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

[But the 40-year-old previously tapped into this high-income guy, presumably using her youth to out-compete women who are now 49 and older. If the 20-year-old out-competing the 40-year-old is “disgusting” and “gross” why was it not gross for the 40-year-old to out-compete the 49-year-olds?]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A fellow mom thinking ahead:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She’ll get burned too bc this is all about him. Hopefully before she gets knocked up so [mama’s] kids don’t have to share their child support<\/em><\/strong>.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

The above shows how little Americans understand about their own family law system. The mom concerned about child support revenue is correct that a European who has sex in the U.S. can cash checks over in Europe (see “Child Support Litigation without a Marriage”<\/a>). But generally the first plaintiff to sue is invulnerable to attacks from successor plaintiffs, i.e., a court order in favor of a first plaintiff won’t be reduced because a second plaintiff comes along. New York<\/a> has one of the simplest systems:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As with other states, children of the same parent will have different cash values depending on the sequence in which that parent has been sued for child support. The co-parent of the first child is entitled to 17 percent of the defendant’s income. The co-parent of the second child is entitled to only 17 percent of the remaining 83 percent. The co-parent of the third child is entitled to only 17 percent of the remaining 69 percent.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Linguistics:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sorry you’re going through this, mama<\/em><\/strong>. A total nightmare for sure.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

[The word “mama” becomes a title for one adult woman to address another by.]<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Readers: Why the outrage over the au pair’s age? The folks in this discussion don’t seem to question the merits of a no-fault divorce system. The au pair was over the age of consent in every state<\/a>. Either partner in a U.S. marriage is free to abandon the union if a preferred sex partner is identified and\/or on payment of cash. Why does the situation become “gross” and “disgusting” and merit larger cash payments if a new partner happens to be 20 years old?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Related:<\/p>\n\n\n\n