"How come you are so mean, mommy?" Heather asked.
"Don't say 'mean', Heather; I prefer 'aggression-enhanced.'" Crystal corrected. "It is probably because I used to be a man's girlfriend, er... unpaid sex worker. Actually, the best term to use is probably acquaintance rape survivor."
"How come that man next to us has such a big lens," Heather asked. "Is he sexually inadequate?"
"Remember not to be judgmental, Heather," Crystal replied. "Just because a white oppressor has a lens that costs and weighs more than a used car, that doesn't mean he is performance-challenged."
"That polar bear is really lazy, Mommy."
"Just as all lifestyles and all people are equally good, so are all animals. Try to put aside the shackles of the phallocentric Dead White European Male indoctrination that you get in school. The bear might just be a tad energetically-challenged. You haven't seen him in his other moods.. Maybe he just finished reading a long book."
"Bears are illiterate!" Heather insisted.
slapped physically encouraged her. "Don't
use that word. He might be alternatively schooled. He's not
an ignoramus, just a knowledge-base nonpossessor."
"'Illiterate', 'alternatively schooled', whatever. He has body odor," Heather sniffed.
"That's only nondiscretionary fragrance."
"Of course not dear. They don't have any worms here," Crystal responded, "but here's an exhibit comparing the aesthetic qualities of the flamingo and the average MIT student. Can you even tell which is which?"
"Isn't the MIT student the one lying on the rock picking his nose?" Heather answered.
"Very good, darling. Now I'm sure you see that the world isn't quite
as black & white
(African-American & genetically oppressive) as the
would have you believe."
"How about spotted?"
"What about the world's second-fastest land animal?"
"I don't want any cat. Want a doggy," Heather insisted.
"Why, Heather! Didn't we teach you that dogs are the traditional pet of the oppressive white male establishment? You just need a little kitten with a good appetite that will grow up to be big and strong."
"I want a pet with more than a 2-volt brain," Heather wailed. "Besides, cats are mean killers who wait for cute little birds."
"I don't even understand why God created cats," Heather continued.
"Created? Where did you learn that," Crystal scowled.
"In my public school!"
"Don't you know that Creationism shouldn't be taught in public school?" Crystal asked.
"Because it isn't scientifically proven, like everything else you are learning, e.g., "poor people are stupid, which is why they are poor; rich people are smart," "you will die if you smoke marijuana," "Internet is 80% pornography," "war is bad because it hurts people," "universities are ivory towers of intellectual inquiry," "the government is your friend," "tax increases [revenue enhancements] are good because they help teachers," "Bill Clinton is a great humanitarian."
"But I don't believe in evolution!" Heather insisted.
"Why not?" her mommy asked. "Didn't I introduce you to those nice MIT graduate students who explained it to you."
"They said we evolved from apes, but just looking at them, I could tell the process was far from complete."
"What's a looksist?"
"Someone who believes that people look different," Crystal explained. "Take this rhino and cougar for example. One might look more wrinkled (differently smooth) than the other to your untutored eye, but after statistical species norming methods are employed they are just the same."
"What else can you do with statistical species norming methods?" Heather wondered.
"Oh, many, many things my dear..."
"You can show that these two quadrupeds are equally good with children..."
"... or that these two are the same weight."
Thank you for visiting the
zoo wildlife preservation center.