Tim Cook’s Apple Computer: Helping me track my cervical mucus quality

After consuming three spatchcocked turkeys (Tuesday: experimental 89 cent/lb. bird from Market Basket in Ikea-brand oven (complete failure at temperature regulation); Wednesday: experimental 89 cent/lb. bird from Market Basket on grill; Thursday: $4/lb. artisanally produced Vermont turkey on grill (taste: identical to 89 cent/lb. turkey)), I decided that it was time to get serious about my health. What better way than to use the Health app from the world’s most profitable tech company?

Step 1: Tell Apple Health that I am male:

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Actually that isn’t possible from the screen one gets to by clicking on “Sex”. Need to back up and notice the upper-right “Edit” option:

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Step 2: See what my options are for tracking age-related decay:

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Step 3: In case not enough folks show up here to claim asylum/refugee status, perhaps we will be told to have more kids (and the childless will pay us to do it!). Let’s see what Apple can do for us, now that the software knows that the phone owner is of the “Male” sex:

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Step 4; It is the mucus season here in Boston, so let’s see what’s underneath “Cervical Mucus Quality”:

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Apple will help me “gain a better understanding of when [I am] ovulating.” Now I know why the phone cost $900. Here are a couple more helpful screens for the typical “Male”:

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What else can a male iPhone owner do with the Health app while waiting for his next ovulation? Generate a height-by-hour or height-by-day graph:

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6 thoughts on “Tim Cook’s Apple Computer: Helping me track my cervical mucus quality

  1. SuperMike:

    Men with female reproductive equipment are not “male”. You are confusing gender with sex.

  2. You clearly aren’t sensitive to the needs of the F2M community. I’m sure Harvard has some gender studies classes you can audit to educate yourself.

    Remember, Apple is the company that took engineer’s time to make Siri correct you if you asked about Bruce Jenner instead of Caitlyn http://time.com/3960387/siri-caitlyn-jenner-iphone-bruce/ rather than use engineers to, I don’t know, make Siri work better?

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