Bringing Up Bébé
One day, a notice goes up at Bean’s school. It says that parents of students ages four to eleven can register their kids for a summer trip to the Hautes-Vosges, a rural region about five hours by car from Paris. The trip, sans parents, will last for eight days. I can’t imagine sending Bean, who’s five, on an eight-day school holiday . She’s never even spent more than a night alone at my mother’s house. My own first overnight class trip, to SeaWorld, was when I was in junior high. This trip is yet another reminder that while I can now use the subjunctive in French, and even get my kids to listen to me, I’ll never actually be French. Being French means looking at a notice like this and saying, as the mother of another five-year-old next to me does, “What a shame. We already have plans then.” None of the French parents find the idea of dispatching their four- and five-year-olds for a week of group showers and dormitory life to be at all alarming.
I soon discover that this school trip is just the beginning. I didn’t go to sleepaway camp until I was ten or eleven. But in France, there are hundreds of different sleepaway colonies de vacances (vacation colonies) for kids as young as four. The younger kids typically go away for seven or eight days to the countryside, where they ride ponies, feed goats, learn songs, and “discover nature.”
It’s clear that giving kids a degree of independence, and stressing a kind of inner resilience and self-reliance, is a big part of French parenting. The French call this autonomie (autonomy).
It’s not simply that Americans don’t emphasize autonomy. It’s that we’re not sure it’s a good thing. We tend to assume that parents should be physically present as much as possible, to protect kids from harm and to smooth out emotional turbulence for them. Simon and I have joked since Bean was born that we’ll just move with her to wherever she attends college. Then I see an article saying that some American colleges now hold “parting ceremonies” for the parents of incoming freshmen, to signal that the parents need to leave.
The latest opportunity to see if Druckerman is right comes courtesy of a five-year-old. Here’s a pattern that has been repeated about four times: She invites her five- and six-year-old friends to sleep over on her trundle bed. The other little girl agrees readily, especially if bacon and pancakes are promised for breakfast. If the father of the child is present, he agrees to the idea. If the mother is present, she says to her child “We’ll have to discuss it,” then explains to us “She’s never been away from me overnight and I don’t think she is ready for it.”
I think you will find some parents want more independent kids than others. We started our kids sleeping over at grandpa’s at 1-2 for both my kids and with friends by 4-5. But then I am part French and demanded my kids be independent by 15ish. And moving out and going to college on their own was required. I never wanted to live next door to them after they moved out. My kids live a long ways away from our home. But we talk by phone, email and text regularly. My group of friends feels the same. Their kids live in other towns a long ways away as well.
But other people are different. Two of my cousins live next door to their kids and have had grandkids living in the basement on and off. My next door neighbor is the same. His one kids lives 40 miles away from here and he has a second home near his other daughter.
So different people from other cultures and upbringing have different customs.
The concept of government sponsored camps in France (although the concept was conceived in Switzerland) has little to do with parents thinking that their 5 year old should be independent. They were created because:
– the economy in Europe making dual income a must for most families (so who takes care of the kids during school holidays)?
– french socialist tendencies, wanting to give every kids the same opportunities regardless of their parents’ financial situation
– general lack of fear from french parents of indoctrination by the government
Although the concept was good and allowed for a large number of people who wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise to discover the mountain and the seaside, “colonies de vacances” are no Club Med, and a lot of people resent them for hating them when they were sent there.
America has a long tradition of sleepaway summer camps which start as young as 6, though 7-9 is a more typical starting age. My kids didn’t go, but all 3 of my sister’s kids did and they loved it.
I spent a couple of weeks in sleepaway camps every summer from the time I was 7 until I was maybe 14 (including a year in France and another in Italy, the rest of them being all in Spain). My perception of them is very different from the way dorfsmay describes them.
For me, going to sleepaway camps was always about having a fun an enriching experience and never because otherwise there would be nobody able to take care of me. I sometimes went to camps organized by the local government but about 50% of the times that was not the case and, as far as I remember, the prices were about the same unless it was some kind of “special” camp that required more highly skilled staff (like an ESL camp employing native British teachers with University degrees).
I did some search online and most basic sleepaway camps like the ones I used to attend are still available today for about 250 € for 2 weeks of camp regardless of which organization is behind them, but usually these are either government related institutions or non-profits (source, in Spanish: http://www.aragon.es/estaticos/GobiernoAragon/Organismos/InstitutoAragonesJuventud/Documentos/Guiaveranoparajovenes2014%20.pdf).
As for who attended these camps, in the area where I grew up in the 1980s, it was just a few of the kids my age and, unlike what dorfsmay says, they all had somebody who would have been able to take care of them. Most moms were not working and of those who were most of the ones I remember were teachers and on summer vacation during the time these camps where taking place. I think the main reason just a few kids attended was because of the expense involved. Even if they looks like a bargain for people in the USA, salaries in Spain are much lower than here. So, I don’t think they are seen as something to be resentful about but rather an experience to be thankful for. At least that was my experience 30+ years ago.
Regarding indoctrination by the government, I am not sure about France, but I am sure there would be big revolts in Spain nowadays if kids attending camps were asked to recite a pledge of allegiance to the flag or anything of that nature. So, probably people don’t even think about that being an option.