Tom Brady goes to Heaven

A Berkeley-based Effective Altruist invested in Sam Bankman-Fried‘s FTX after seeing a promotion for it by Tom Brady. He/she/ze/they becomes angry and lets loose a 15′ alligator inside Brady’s Miami mansion. Brady, unfortunately, cannot be extracted from the beast’s stomach in time.

On arrival in Heaven, God gives Tom Brady a welcome tour and shows him to an already-furnished 2500-square-foot house with white picket fence. There are weather-faded Tampa Bay and New England Patriots flags on either side of the front walk. “Because of your distinguished career,” God says, “you won’t spend eternity in the high-rise apartment blocks like our standard live-gooders. After your third Super Bowl win in 2005 we prepared this single-family home just for you and the hottest subset of your ladyfriends who ultimately arrive. I made sure that Gisele Bündchen’s future home here is all the way on the other side of town.” As they walk around to the back of the house, Brady sees a Jeff Bezos-style mansion two blocks away. Brady and God move toward it. The sidewalks all around the mansion are painted in eternal red and gold. There is a 75′ car dealer-style flagpole in the front yard with a 20×30′ Chiefs flag flapping in a constant 10 mph local wind. The arrowhead-shaped pool has “KC” in red tile on the bottom.

A 7′-high Mahomes #15 jersey hangs above the front porch:

There’s a 15′-high solid gold sculpture of a football in the front yard with a KC logo on the side. There’s a car in the driveway whose body is shaped like a Chiefs helmet (they use Grok in Heaven because ChatGPT did a terrible job):

Every window on the second floor is filled with the display of a jersey of a player on the 2024-25 Kansas City Chiefs team. There’s a private 100-yard regulation football field behind the mansion with the KC logo in the middle and the lushest greenest grass Brady has ever seen. Assisted by cheerleaders, two retrievers who look just like goldens structurally are running around the field. One retriever’s fur is Pantone PMS 186 C to match Chiefs red and the other is Pantone PMS 1235 C to match Chiefs gold. Here’s the best that ChatGPT could do with the vision:

A motor yacht is docked on one side of the house, which has direct access to the Heavenly Lake:

Tom Brady looks back at his own modest house and says, “I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I won 7 Super Bowls. Patrick Mahomes won only 3. Why will he get this mansion while I will spend eternity in a regular house?” God laughs and says “Sorry for the confusion, Tom, but that’s not Patrick Mahomes’s mansion. It’s my house.”

Readers: Are you watching the Super Bowl this evening? The 6:30 pm Eastern start time is relatively kid-friendly. The half time entertainer is Kendrick Lamar. Here are some excerpts from “Backseat Freestyle”, one of his big hits:

Uh, Martin had a dream
Martin had a dream
Kendrick have a dream
All my life I want money and power
Respect my mind or die from lead shower
I pray my dick get big as the Eiffel Tower
So I can f*ck the world for seventy-two hours
Goddamn I feel amazing, damn I’m in the matrix
My mind is living on cloud nine and this nine is never on vacation
Start up that Maserati and VROOM VROOM! I’m racing
Poppin’ pills in the lobby and I pray they don’t find her naked
And I pray you niggas is hatin’, shooters go after Judas
Jesus Christ if I live life on my knees, ain’t no need to do this
Park it in front of Lueders, next to that Church’s Chicken
All you pussies is losers, all my niggas is winners, screaming

…

Damn I got bitches, damn I got bitches
Damn I got bitches, wifey, girlfriend and mistress
All my life I want money and power
Respect my mind or nigga

I wonder if the Palm Beach County Public Schools would have any issues with our third grader coming in and singing the song that he learned during the Super Bowl…

Related:

• a West Coast/Davos perspective on how to reverse Climate Change… “Bill Gates says he will never downsize from his mega-mansion with 24 bathrooms — despite being a single empty-nester” (New York Post)
• “America Is Abandoning DEI. The NFL Remains All-In.” (Wall Street Journal, Feb 6, 2025): Everyone from the federal government to Fortune 500 companies is dialing back their diversity efforts. But America’s most popular sport is standing its ground. … “We got into diversity efforts because we felt it was the right thing for the National Football League, and we’re going to continue to do those efforts,” Goodell said. “We’re not in this because it’s a trend to get into it or a trend to get out of it.” … Yet the NFL is also facing a fresh bout of skepticism about the effectiveness of its own diversity efforts, including the Rooney Rule, a policy established in 2003 that now requires teams to interview at least two minority candidates for important jobs such as coach. [Ed: Who defines “minority”?]