Dating and Marriage in Moscow
My host’s BMW passed by a couple of slender women in their early 20s dressed up for a Friday night. He turned to me and said “the hunters are out.” Why would attractive young women be faced with the challenge of “hunting” for male companionship? “Remember that Russia lost 10 million men during World War II [see Wikipedia],” he replied, “and society still hasn’t gotten back to normal after three generations. Also remember that life expectancy for Russian men is 64 and for women it is 76 [CIA Factbook numbers are close]. Women dominate [are the majority] in every social group.”
What are they hunting for? “Sometimes they want money, but a lot of women have good jobs and just want to spend time with a man.” How about marriage? It sure seemed as though there were a lot of young mothers around the city [nationwide stats show median age of first marriage for a Russian woman of 25, compared to 27 in the U.S.]. “A man who earns at least $18,000 per year is considered a reasonable catch here,” he responded. “That’s enough to afford an apartment and support a family.”
Could the World War II demographic shock in fact still be felt? I met college students dating 35-year-old men (maybe because their college student peers still live with mom and dad?). I learned about a 70-year-old former Soviet administrator (i.e., not rich) with a 46-year-old girlfriend who had a middle class job and wouldn’t have needed a man for financial reasons. “Women over age 30 can forget it,” one local said. “There are fresh 18-year-old girls arriving in Moscow from all over the former Soviet regions.”
Departures from strict monogamy are not unheard of. A married man referred to the delicate etiquette of when the girlfriend meets the wife. For those with kids, the young girlfriend downtown is the “second family.” Does the girlfriend have an incentive to get pregnant and create a full-fledged “second family”? Unlike in the U.S., where child support following out-of-wedlock sex can yield $millions, the practical limit in Russia seems to be about $300 per month. If a girlfriend is getting more than that in the form of, e.g., free rent, she has no financial incentive to have a baby.
[It is possible to tap into a fellow citizen’s wealth through marriage, but Russia seems to have a California-style community property system in which assets acquired prior to the marriage are unreachable by a divorce plaintiff. Alimony profits may not be large due to the expectation that women in Russia are capable of working.]
Russian women are not shy about shedding a useless mate. “At least a third of the Uber drivers that I ride with ask me if I’m married,” said one local. “When I say that I’m not, they say ‘Good. Don’t get married.’ Then they tell me how they lost their job, were quickly divorced by their wives, and are now driving for Uber.” (If there are no children involved, a Russian divorce can be obtained through a quick and inexpensive administrative procedure. Even a judicial divorce in Russia is nothing like the festival of litigation that would be typical in many U.S. states. Ordinary citizens are able to retain lawyers to handle divorce cases without draining the family savings.)
As in other no-fault (“unilateral divorce”) countries, it is children who pay for the sexual freedom of their parents. An adult woman told me of her childhood visitations with the father that her mother had discarded. Presumably due to the shortage of men, he had been picked up by a different woman and had started a family with Wife #2. The daughter of the first marriage would go over to Dad’s apartment, complete with stepmom and new half-sibs, for a few hours every two weeks. They didn’t have enough room to keep her overnight and she never became a true member of her father’s family. This was not especially enjoyable for anyone.
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