Cancel my order for the Cadillac Escalade

Imagine a group of engineers so gifted that U.S. taxpayers were willing to spend more than $50 billion to keep them together. These folks designed a vehicle that weighs 6000 lbs. empty and is advertised as having safety advantages over cars designed by companies that operate without continuous government assistance. Tiger Woods, a man whose physique is presumably far more durable than average, drives this vehicle across a lawn and into a tree at a pretty low speed. Did he bound out of his Cadillac Escalade without a scratch? According to the New York Times, “Woods was slipping in and out of consciousness. [the police] said Woods suffered lacerations to his upper and lower lips and blood in his mouth, and that he was treated on scene for 10 minutes before being transported to a nearby hospital.”

7 thoughts on “Cancel my order for the Cadillac Escalade

  1. It is unclear if he was belted in. He did not hit it hard enough to trigger the airbags.

    SUVs actually have a rigid (truck) chassis. That means that the energy of a collision is transferred to the occupants more than it is than in, say, a Toyota Echo, which crumples up like a soda can, absorbing a lot of the collision energy.

    His wife (a PhD, right? he must have married someone smart) used a golf club to smash the back window to get him out. I would guess that’s the source of the cuts, crawling over broken safety glass.

    Why not roll down the windows? Why not open one of the four doors or the tailgate?

    What would keep you from thinking clearly at 2:30am?

    I have no idea. I was asleep at the time.

  2. As a firefighter, I have seen some pretty horrific looking automobile wrecks where the driver walked away unharmed, thanks to seat belts and air bags.

    In this holiday season, I have a wish: that EVERYONE wears seat belts, EVERY TIME, no matter how short or quick you think it is.

    Your loved ones will thank you.

  3. Woods’ wife beat him up on suspicion of not being true, so Woods got into his truck and started to drive away. His wife chased after him and smashed out the rear window of the vehicle in anger.

    Woods knee surgery last year and is probably still on prescription meds, hence his cross-lawn safari.

    His wife probably also whacked him on the head a few times when he got out of the vehicle.

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