Donald Trump-themed mini golf course?

I’m headed down to Ft. Lauderdale with the family soon (March 25-April 8; email if you want to get together! Going to Miami Open tennis at 11:00 am on March 29). Florida is the land of Trump and miniature golf. What would it look like if we combined the two?

Can we collaboratively design a Donald Trump-themed mini golf course? I will start.

Hole 1: Get the ball through a Vietnamese factory in which Ivanka Trump products are being sewn. Each sewing machine rotates a paddle that obstructs a tunnel. Green obstructed by miniature T.J. Maxx with protesters surrounding.

Hole 2: Navigate the ball through an airport ramp cluttered with Florida flight school and charter aircraft grounded because of Temporary Flight Restrictions imposed during a Trump visit to Palm Beach.

Hole 3: Replica of the Kremlin and Hermitage. Voice of Vladimir Putin telling you how and where to hit the ball.

Hole 4: Miniature 580-mile long existing U.S.-Mexico border fence/wall that is gradually extended to a full 1,989 miles at which point the ball has to be sent to miniature Canada before finally settling in the hole flagged “sanctuary city”.

Hole 5: Miniature Australia, complete with miniature South Pacific prison island, tries to send 1,250 refugee balls that spread across the fairway and clog the path for your ball. Players block the refugee balls by asking, in a New York accent, “If you don’t want these balls, why do we?” This drives a vacuum system to pull the refugee balls back to the miniature prison island.

Hole 6: Crashing stock market. Cutout of Economist Action Hero Paul Krugman in center of fairway shouting out advice:  go short! buy put options! flee to euros! Market is represented by a tilting green, which briefly tips down as votes are tallied but then gradually rises until it is tilted so high that it is impossible to get the ball over.

Hole 7: Women’s March. Mechanical string of pussy hats drawn across the fairway. If ball gets stuck in one, 20 points are added to player’s score in the “child support” row. If there are any attorneys on the course, player makes their mortgage, car, and kids’ college tuition payments.

Hole 8: Manhattan. Fairway clogged with miniature Secret Service fanning out for 10 blocks around miniature Trump Tower. Periodic showers of overtime cash in “NYPD” envelopes litter the green.

Hole 9: Kellyanne Conway. Woman kneels on couch in miniature Oval Office. Fairway is an obstacle course of upright posture scolds. Green is cluttered with signs reading “Sisterhood is sacred, but I hate conservative bitches.”

Hole 10: White supremacy. Entire fairway and green are made up of flush-mounted white supremacists. Miniature Trump comes out on the balcony of replica Linz Altes Rathaus and delivers speech that energies the white supremacists to pop up, thus preventing non-white balls from proceeding down fairway and green.

Readers: Your turn on the next 8!


8 thoughts on “Donald Trump-themed mini golf course?

  1. Horde of media figures and spectators scream that your score card is hacked and invalid, call for your disqualification. Ball must hit the “fake news! sad!” tweet button to avoid removal from the course.

  2. Hole 11: Straightforward putting for hole-in-one, but New York Times bot records your score as an 8 and tries to hide the ball.

    Hole 12-14: Three debate holes where sickly figure of Hillary randomly but seldom pops up to block the ball from sinking. Every now and then two mechanical figures arm-in-arm marked “DNC” and “Media” tilt the board.

    Hole 15, aka 9/11: Smack lifeless wooden figure of Hillary into black van; if done in one, watch a similar but fresher looking Hillary doll smilingly come out the other side, waving at the cameras, then disappear never to be seen again.

    Hole 16: Shoot ball up a hill into replica of Trump Tower; ball disappears inside, noisily traverses downwards and at the bottom, rolls out to enter Obama’s ear.

    Hole 17: Forcefully strike ball to fly over low-energy “Jeb” obstacle, then putt it into “guac bowl”.

    Hole 18: Bounce the ball between no less than 15 Republican low-energy “loser heads”, rolling over small prone wooden obstacles “Bernie” before sinking it into the grotesque maw of “Hillary” which explodes in fireworks.

  3. Ghostly swastikas and KKK hoods and pogromming cossacks pop up as obstacles at a high rate. Anthropomorphized SPLC and ADL logos are pulling the levers. Try to land in the kippah, which robots Stephen Miller and Jared Kushner will convey safely to the hole.

  4. The Trump Clubhouse will be a mini-replica of the one in Dubai
    but with the following modifications:
    o all microwave ovens are covered in Ivanka Trump tablecloth to prevent spying from the cia, nsa, fbi, and the ny times
    o the wait staff must all be under 25 yo, slim, attractive women worthy of der
    Trumpenfuhrer’s locker room talk
    o Jewish holidays are celebrated but there shall be no mention of Jewish people
    o the cooks in the kitchen must all be Alt-Right men with very small hands
    o TVs are only tuned to Fox News and Breitbart programming
    o the food must all be American, even Chilean seabass

    Finally, Muslims, Mexicans, Australians, Brits, Canadians, Chinese, Western Europeans, immigrants, green-card holders, non-Trump supporters are all banned from entering. Only Russians, Americans w/ no college degrees from Red States are allowed entry, to be greeted by Death / Steve Bannon and Sean Spicer / Melissa McCarthy.

  5. This extraordinary project features a 30,000 square foot clubhouse, which is the largest of its kind in Dubai. Overlooking the 9th and 18th greens, the expansive clubhouse offers four high-end restaurants, state-of-the-art gymnasium and a luxurious infinity swimming pool. The development also includes a golf pro shop, offering the latest in equipment and apparel; a golf academy with a 9-hole, par 3 academy course; and a double sided driving range, chipping facility and putting greens that emulate the undulations of the course to accurately reflect the challenges that await.

    Leave out Melissa McCarthy and it will be the best mini golf course ever. Sounds heavenly.

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