Limit your extramarital sexual partners to 1,000 per year for penile implant longevity

Trigger warning: contains alarming urological details. Also, NSFW.

A gay-adjacent friend sent me a long Facebook post by his 60-something-year-old retired gay male friend. (What’s “gay-adjacent”? My friend lives in Manhattan and is in the music industry.) The story relates to the failure of a device installed by Jesse N. Mills, MD who says that he’s done “thousands of penile implants.” As I think you’ll quickly realize, the good doctor was in no way to blame for the failure.

Dr. Jesse Mills, my wonderful surgeon, visited me both before and after surgery, and I will see him again tomorrow before dawn for catheter and drain removal. He reported that the left cylinder broke completely, at the base. He referred to torque being more of an issue, the bigger you are. That failure mode is very rare, since the cylinders are very difficult to damage; it’s almost always the pump, followed by the tubes that fail. … Dr. Mills replaced everything except the reservoir, which will help make my recovery more comfortable, and hopefully shorter, since there wasn’t that trauma in my belly. …

It is good to know that the pump did not wear out, despite at least 4,000 “uses.” The manufacturer rates the devices at 10,000 uses, which at the rate from the last two years, would mean that it would need replacement in less than five years, so I will reduce the number of times I increase and decrease the amount of rigidity. (Read on for what constitutes “uses.”) Having kept track of the number of unique partners, I know that number is more than 2,500. In addition, there were many repeat partners, sometimes the same day. I can only guess that number, based on my activities, but it conservatively adds up to way over 3,000 instances of penetrative anal sex (which is much more challenging than vaginal sex for the device),

A lot more exciting than being married, right?

PLUS, add penetrative sex with my husband most every day. Masturbation “counts” too, because it requires cycling the pump. That was reliably every day, once I healed, and included bending exercises meant to allow increased size, and using a penis pump, or “VED” at least once every day to work on increasing my size. For the first 3 months, I did intense “physical therapy” at least twice a day in order to regain size that I lost from the surgery (which was as expected).

The potential benefits of Medicare for All become a lot clearer when we consider what this senior citizen was able to obtain:

Dr. Mills gave me the great news that he was able to use a larger implant, given all my use and pumping. The largest cylinders they make are 24cm, so he gave me a 24cm implant, plus a 3cm extension, so I now have a 27cm implant. That’s 10.63 inches, for metric-averse ”mericans.” (Keep in mind that part of a penis is internal, and the percentage varies from man-to-man.) I can’t wait to complete physical therapy exercises to see what I end up with. I will post progress reports, with photos where allowed.

Unfortunately, I can’t share the photos since I didn’t ask to see them.

ChatGPT says that it might be difficult for a man to arrange a sanctified heterosexual marriage with 2,500 extramarital female sex partners:

Gay male sexual networks have much higher partner availability, lower courtship friction, and faster partner turnover. Heterosexual encounters with women—especially repeated, anonymous, one-off encounters—require far more time, negotiation, and selectivity.

It helpfully volunteers the idea of employing prostitutes (uses the hateful term rather than “sex worker”, unfortunately), but says “2,500 distinct female partners in 2 years would require (1) massive financial outlay, (2) industrial-scale coordination.”

Separately, I think that I might also be gay-adjacent because I love the Jersey Jack Elton John pinball machine, including the animatronic Elon at the piano.

#SanctityOfSameSex/Marriage