Now that we have some distance from Father’s Day and the requisite Hallmark sentiments around it, here’s a report on a Father’s Day weekend presentation in our woodsy (Lyme-disease-y) suburb by The Fatherhood Project, based at the Massachusetts General Hospital and affiliated with Harvard Medical School.
I spoke to one of the staffers who helps run a “Divorcing Fathers” program. It turned out that she had not carefully studied Massachusetts family law. She did not understand that a divorce was a civil lawsuit. She believed that it was usually a mutual decision and, when it wasn’t, it was usually the father who initiated a divorce (the stats show only about 17 percent of the time is there a “joint petition” and that, when there is a conventional lawsuit, mothers are 3.14X more likely to sue fathers than vice versa). She was aware that mothers nearly always turned out to be the “primary parent,” but believed that a father simply had to ask a judge for an equal parenting role and it would likely be unopposed by the mother and granted by the judge. She had no idea that, when both parents had similar-paying jobs, the mother would be cutting her after-tax spending power by 30-50 percent (depending on tax bracket and number of kids) by agreeing to a move from 67/33 to 50/50 parenting. She denied the relevance of economic incentives or the family law environment to the topic of “divorcing dads”.
[Coincidentally, as this local expert was explaining the irrelevance of family law, a friend of a friend was venting via text message from Pennsylvania. She is, well, rather spirited, and had threatened her husband repeatedly with divorce (though in fact she did not want one). He eventually consulted a litigator, learned that Pennsylvania is a 50/50 shared parenting state, and sued her. The result by formula is minimal child support revenue (both parents are high earners) and she has to compromise on the child’s schedule with a person whom she hates and whose equal importance to the child she disputes (she gave birth to the child, breastfed the child, fussed over the child, etc.). None of this bad stuff would have happened to her under Massachusetts law. Aware that Massachusetts was a winner-take-all state and that the often-enraged wife would end up with the house, the kid, and most of the money, the father probably would have signed her up for anger management classes instead of suing her. If for whatever reason they did end up divorced, her “pattern of historical [hysterical?] caregiving” would have enabled her to easily obtain primary/winner parent status. She would be getting a healthy slice of the father’s income until the child turned 23 and the father would be an every-other-weekend babysitter. All that she would have had to do to preserve her marriage was learn about family law and move across the border to Maryland (also a mom-friendly winner-take-all state) or New Jersey or up to New York or Massachusetts.]
The keynote speaker was Andre Dubus III, author of The House of Sand and Fog, who experienced a terrible childhood (described in Townie) and nonetheless turned out to a great writer just like his dad (demonstrates the power of genetics?). Dubus opened by saying that he had never texted, Facebooked, or used “Twatter.” He said “I’m bringing all of me here for the next 45 minutes and ask that if you need to text, otherwise use your phone, or urinate, that you go outside and do it.”
Dubus talked about the divorce lawsuit between his parents in a passive manner, as though it had simply happened to them or perhaps had been a mutual decision. He did mention that, prior to the divorce and “single parent” culture that developed in the 1960s, they probably would have just stayed together and maybe ended up being reasonably happy. In any case, after this divorce that somehow descended on the two parents for obscure reasons, his father was reduced to living in a small apartment and the mother and four kids were reduced to living in crummy rental houses. They went from “educated struggling academic family” to just-above-welfare status and Dubus went to a Haverhill, MA high school with “the 7th worst drug problems in America.” His elder sister turn into a promiscuous drug dealer by age 16. His younger sister padlocked herself into her room. He and his younger brother drank and got into fights. The four sibs’ only contact with the father was two hours every Sunday morning when he took them to a Catholic church (the father’s apartment was never large enough to permit an overnight stay). The single moms in the neighborhood abused drugs and alcohol and neglected their children. His mom was no exception. Dubus is a great storyteller and he was effective at communicating the suffering of the children and the permanent wreckage of some of his siblings, but it wasn’t clear what their parents could have done differently other than stayed together (not a likely scenario in our no-fault divorce age).
The professionals of MGH/Harvard talked to the assembled crowd as well.
The take-away perspective was pro-divorce, especially “expressive divorce” (see the History of Divorce chapter), in which one adult individual within a couple gets what he or she wants, as long as psychiatrists and psychologists (like themselves!) were brought in (on a paid basis) to help clean up the wreckage, run training programs, etc. The mantra used by cash-seeking plaintiffs, “I’m doing it for the kids,” was affirmed. Maybe Dubus’s childhood had been ruined by parental separation, but in general divorce could be great for kids because they would be spared exposure to fights between their parents (research psychologists have found the opposite, but that doesn’t stop anyone profiting from the divorce industry from asserting the widespread benefits of divorce for children as fact).
“The evening felt surreal to me,” said a guy who lost a divorce lawsuit 15 years ago and had lost nearly all of the subsequent rounds of custody and child support modification litigation. “These MGH people are out of touch with reality. We’re in what might be the most hostile-to-fatherhood state in the U.S. and these guys are going on about how important fathers are. It doesn’t even make sense for fathers in Massachusetts to invest in kids because they’re not really his from a legal point of view. They’re just on loan from the mother until she decides to take them away.” Certainly a move to a shared parenting state such as Pennsylvania, Delaware, Nevada, Arizona, or Alaska would be a lot more helpful for a man interested in fatherhood than any amount of advice from MGH psychiatrists and psychologists, however brilliant.
One thing that neighbors could agree on was that the successful divorce plaintiffs in our midst were the more relaxed mothers in town. Instead of being “on call” 24/7 they had every other weekend completely free of responsibilities (their children being with the loser parent) and, apparently, were using that time to recharge. There was no social stigma attached to being a “single mother” in our town, partly because the mothers were able to sell their divorce lawsuit as a means of protecting children from an unfit caregiver (result: Instead of the kids being in a house with the mother, a nanny, and the unfit father 24/7, the kids were under the exclusive and unsupervised care of the unfit father for about 33 percent of the time (the max free babysitting before the mother’s child support profits could be reduced).)
I thought the evening was a good illustration of the contradictory attitude Americans take toward marriage, divorce, and fatherhood. On the other hand we lead the world in maudlin expressions of sentiment. On the other, we lead the world in the portion of the economy and the cash rewards allocated to citizens who work to separate children from their fathers. In a two-hour period, nobody mentioned that, under Massachusetts law at least, including fathers would require a lot of mothers to act against their own economic interest (unlikely because, as a research psychologist at a recent shared parenting conference noted, “If mothers valued fathers none of us would need to be here.“).
[What else do the Millionaires for Obama discuss on a rainy Friday night? Over wine and cheese at the end, a neighbor talked about going back into the working world after being a stay-at-home mother. She has chosen to work for a non-profit organization helping refugees settle into American life. I said “I’ve offered to all of my Facebook friends to pay for the airfare from Kabul, Amman, or Beirut for any refugees that they want to shelter in their spacious suburban homes.” She said “Oh, that’s not nearly enough. They’re going to need help for 20 years or more.”]
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