Wishlist for when Google employees stop having sex in each other’s hotel rooms

Based on media reports it seems that the Google employees spend a lot of time on stuff that isn’t helpful to end-users. For example, “How Google Protected Andy Rubin, the ‘Father of Android’” (nytimes):

The woman, with whom Mr. Rubin had been having an extramarital relationship, said he coerced her into performing oral sex in a hotel room in 2013

Mr. Rubin said in a statement after the publication of this article. “Specifically, I never coerced a woman to have sex in a hotel room. These false allegations are part of a smear campaign by my ex-wife to disparage me during a divorce and custody battle.”

[See this chapter on California family law for how Rubin’s defense in the family court is likely to go; Rie Rubin sued Andy in 2017 and her LinkedIn profile, with no conventional employment since 2009, suggests that she’ll be able to devote full-time effort to maximizing her child support profits. See this chapter on Nevada family law, with its default 50/50 shared parenting and capped-at-$13,000-per-year child support, for how Rubin could have saved his children the trauma of being the subject of custody litigation, himself a huge amount of time and energy that he’d have been able to devote to parenting rather than lawsuit defense, and his personal reputation (since Rie Rubin wouldn’t have had any financial incentive to disclose her defendant’s alleged sex habits) if he’d flown into KPAO from Vegas every day (see “Facebook uses a Malibu-flying engineering manager to promote careers in engineering”). The difference between Nevada and California child support guidelines? Sufficient for Rubin to have purchased a factory-new pressurized airplane and hired a professional two-pilot crew… every year of the marriage and for every year until the cash-yielding child turns 18. (e.g., Rubin could have bought a $2 million jet-powered short-field-capable Piper Meridian every year on January 1 and donated it to charity on Dec 31, times 20 years, for less the difference between what he will likely pay his plaintiff under CA versus NV law)]

On the chance that Google employees will cut back on having sex in each other’s hotel rooms, have a “work-in” rather than a “walk-out,” and manage to streamline their defenses of the various family court lawsuits, I wonder if it would be helpful to put together a wishlist of stuff that we humble users want them to work on. Here’s mine:

  • Make Google Docs as good as spotting spelling errors as Microsoft Word was in 1985. Example: “acquishing” not flagged as misspelled (Millennial attempt at “acquiescing”).
  • Fix Google Contacts. Example: I recently tried to add a phone number for a pilot working on his instrument rating. We had exchanged mobile numbers via email. Google’s Huge-Brained AI (TM) suggested that my own cell phone number should be added as his cell phone number. This despite the fact that I have a Google Voice account and use that number for two-factor auth, etc.
  • Bring back or open-source Picasa. (see this 2016 post on the topic)
  • Restore the portfolios that people took the time to add in Google Finance (2018 post)

Readers: What would you like to see Google coders work on?

12 thoughts on “Wishlist for when Google employees stop having sex in each other’s hotel rooms

  1. > What would you like to see Google coders work on?

    If Google Nav keeps saying do A, and almost no one does A, what should Google Nav consider?

    If a phone’s motion sensor or proximity sensor believe the owner is handling the phone, what should the phone do when pieces of software decide they want to add things to menus or shift buttons around?

    If a phone suddenly gets reconnected to the network, especially when the phone’s motion sensor or proximity sensor say the owner is handling the device, should I the Android OS developer suddenly fire off all those exciting background tasks to bring in the new spotify ads, download mail, figure out what apps need updating etc., or should we like fucking hold off and stop the phone from servicing the wants and needs of the pimply google engineers and see what the user is interested in doing?

  2. Google and Microsoft should both just get it over with and relocate to Karachi or New Delhi, to be closer to their core sources of labour. Apple should merge with the NPRK to give Tim Cook a truly compliant manufacturing workforce.

    I am sure that the heads of all three companies would prefer deplorable Americans like myself would shut the hell up and welcome assimilation into the ‘Borg. I apologize for not keepung my proper place in addressing my betters.

  3. Off-topic aviation question: Do you think there would be a market for a stealth corporate jet? How about a mid-air refilling aircraft for corporate jets? Or micro aircraft carriers that corporate jets could land on, maybe modified megayachts?

    • I’ve seen concept ads for megayachts that looked a bit like carriers, but with the extra room spent on artificial islands, palm trees, volcanic lairs, etc. So perhaps what the world really needs is a stealth corp jet with VTOL? And a worldwide network of in-air refuelling drones.

  4. Fix hangouts so that it shows the name as well as the phone number of the person who left the message.

    Fix Navigation so that it knows that the Minuteman Bike Trail and the East Boston Greenway aren’t accessible to cars.

  5. Bring back Google Glass so we can record every second of our lives and use the recording as proof when sex was consensual or not.

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